My journey...

Have not been blogging for a while. My pictures have been taking up my time. A person only has 24hours in a day. Plus I do notknow what to blog about. My mind has been blank. I know what some of you are thinking. I do have a brain k.

Lately I felt quite far away from God. The more I feel like I am far from Him the more I desire Him and the more I desire Him, the further away I feel. I know it sounds weird. It actually makes sense to me.

My mind is a world of confusion. Trying to make sense of so many things. Believe it or not, I do not even know how to pray or why I pray. I hope I am not backslidding. Feels like it. Yet my desire for God is stronger than ever. What is going on? Help me make sense of it all.

Was driving oneday complaning and crying and all of a sudden, I felt His presence so strongly and His love. He was revealing Himself as my Daddy and I just wept. I just know He is in control and in charge. I just need to be still to know He is God. Resting in His love.

Sometimes we may hear a person's words but we fail to hear their heart. People tend to say many things and often it is a reflection of their hearts. How they are feeling but afraid to voice out. Maybe they may say things that may hurt us but are we really listening to the motif behind those words.

A girl may be angry that her husband comes home late and starts to say "How come you are home so late? Where were you? What have you been doing?". The husband may get annoyed cause for this once I come home late you shout at me. You do not understand me at all. Where is my space? But perhaps the girl may be feeling lonely. Perhaps she may have had a long day and was just waiting for her husband to come home to talk.

Learn to listen to the heart not just to the words that is said. Be slow to react to words that may hurt. Pause to think. Put yourself in the other person's shoes. Act on love.

I just watched "Polar Express" on Astro for the first time today. After so many years of the film being released. One thing which the person mentioned is "Seeing is believing but sometimes, those which are not seen are more real". It is about the story about a boy who do not believe in Santa. He could not hear the sleigh bells ring cause he did not believe. Only those who believe can hear it. At the end of the movie, he heard and Santa gave him one of the bells. His parents thought that the bell was broken cause they did not believe in Santa and could not hear the bell.

I am not advocating that we believe in Santa and the north pole filled with elves. Lately in my journey, God is challenging me to believe. To believe in Him who is able. To believe in Him that He does know the days of my life. To trust in Him for the unknown.

It also cause me to think of those who believe in God. God is speaking in the lives of everyone and only those who believe that He is speaking will hear Him and walk with Him. Only those who take time to listen to the inner voice will hear. He does want the best for us and for us to walk in His will. To dance with Him but can we hear Him? Do we believe?

Sometimes we are afraid to trust. We are afraid of what it will cost us of we listen. What will our future be if we listen and follow. At times, God may ask of us to do the most unthinkable thing. We are afraid to go that way even. Play it "safe". Afraid to loose control of our life. In the movie, the train master said "It is not where the train is going but whether we are willing to get on board". Many are not even willing to start this journey with God. We surrender our lives in what we call "Sinner's prayer" and then stop their journey. I do not know where my journey will take me but I am willing to go on board to let Him take me. If we never get on the train we will never know what God has installed for us.

Do we believe? Dare we trust? Allow Him full control of our life?

Solitude is not just an action of being silent or being alone. Not every silence is productive for coming to solitude. All quietness does not lead to inner peace. How are we feeding and naturing our inner self through solitude? Of course our inner being can be fed through many different ways. Solitude is one which is talked about alot in my journey lately. But solitude does not mean being alone. It is a productive stillness. Being alone with God. Having laid aside our daily cares, we bend to our inner ear to listen carefully to our inner voice, the voice that speaks to us beyond the many voices ofour anxious, our pragmatic, our socialised self.

There is a need for solitude. "silence is the way of the word" Henri Nouwen. Not just any word. We need to hear the voice of creativity. The voice of the Spirit. The voice of our hopes and dreams. The voice that gently turns us around and sets us on a better path. The voice that can nurture our inner self.

The more we learn to hear this voice, the clearer it will become to us. We then will not only be simply doing that which is expected of ue but what is creatively new. Learning to walk and work with God.

Read in "Dare to journey with Henri Nouwen" that notes that 'silence is the discipline by which the inner life of God is tended and kept alive'. It is in the quietness of our own being that thoughts can be carefully nurtured.



It is there that hopes can be persistently sustained. It is there that dreams can be awakened. In the solitude of our inner life, resolutions can be forged and difficult commitments made. There an uncluttered intimacy can flourish. There the self can be renewed and transformed. There love can grow and that which is sacred can be guarded and protected.

If this interior life is not maintained, we will weaken our inner strength and dissipate our resolve. We will all the more easily run the risk of being swayed by the dominant voices of our time and run the danger of loosing ourseves. To keep that which is sacred is not selfishness. It is right to maintain that which guards the self. It is, moreover, the seedbed from which courageous actions can flow.

The above is what is written in this book. I can't help but ponder how many Christians actually take the time to guard and nurture our inner life. The business in life actually take us away from what is really important. We can go through our life as Christian and go through all the mechanical rituals of being a Christian, knowing what and when to pray, active in ministry, playing church and yet our inner being can be empty and lost. All that we do comes from a need and a pressure to perform. But when our inner life is filled with that of God, then whatever we do will flow from life from above. A heart that is desiring to do. When the center of our being is Christ, that would be the pillar of our strength. He would be our guide in our journey.

In my spiritual journey I have been crying out for spiritual parents. People who will lead and guide me in this journey. Where are they? We seem to be lacking people who are willing to pour their lives into the next generation. Older folks who have walked this very journey and have learnt from God. Who have persevered in their path. Who have climbed the hills and the mountains. Who have been through the desert with our Lord. Where are they now? Where are they who would take our hands and say "I will walk with you". No wonder you do not see many young adults growing strong in the Lord.

Someone mentioned that there is a difference between a mentor who will mentor you in skills etc and a spiritual guide. Spiritual guide, someone who is willing to walk with you in this journey. Sharing lives with you. Guiding you in the things of God. I have had lots of mentors but I am crying out for a guide. Perhaps crying out for a community that we can grow together. Pray together. Am I the only one feeling this way? Feel so orphaned in my walk. So alone. I have lots of friends but people who would share llives with and share burdens with and encourage each other in the journey with. There are very few if any. Where art thou?