My journey...

As Alzheimer's took over my cousin Moira, she became quite unable to manage herself, and needed constant care and nursing. When you visited her, you might get a smile, a flicker of recognition. At no one stage could you say ‘Goodbye.' It was a slow parting. When she died, she who loved people was quite out of touch with humankind. What was God up to? I wondered.

I used to imagine it was our job to make ourselves holy. Our models were men and women who seemed to have achieved extraordinary levels of asceticism, prayer and generosity towards others. We are often seeking ourselves, our own satisfactions and complacency, even in the most apparently unselfish efforts. God shapes us, not we ourselves. Through life, in ways we would never have planned, God strips us of our ego, prepares us for Godself. For an active person, the hardest penance is to be unable to act. For Jesus at the height of his powers and vigour, the Cross meant being passive, nailed down, speechless, helpless. We could not and would not plan these experiences for ourselves. Jesus begged for the chalice to pass from him.

Who would ask for Alzheimer's as a way to go? But if we believe in God's Providence - and that is not easy - that must be what he was doing to Moira, who had given him a loving and enthusiastic life. The real achievement of that life was not in her creative efforts or sleepless nights at the service of others, but in her recognition of God's hand in the suffering which accompanied her to the grave.

I read something which is very interesting... that I totally agree with..

The person who prays for the presence of God is, ironically, already in the presence of God. The person who seeks God has already found God to some extent. ... A dull, mundane life stays a dull, mundane life, no matter how intent we become on developing spiritually. No amount of church-going will change that. What attention to the spiritual life does change is our appreciation for the presence of God in our dull, mundane lives. We come to realize that we did not find God; God finally got our attention. The spiritual life is a grace with which we must cooperate, not a prize to be captured or a trophy to be won.
-- Joan Chittister The Rule of Benedict: Insights for the Ages

I just read about a Christian singer in Australia who wrote a song called "Healer" saying that he wrote the song when God has healed him of cancer. He came out later to admit that he did not have cancer and that he was trying to hide from his sin of pornography. That is why he wrote that song. As a form of deviation. Of course it shook a lot of people. Like his wife, his parents, his associates, his church members...

It however encouraged me. I saw that concert on youtube when he sang the song. I can see the faces of people who are blessed by the song. God can turn anything for His glory. No matter what birthed the inspiration of that song. God is still a healer and the words of the songs are true. More than that, I was encouraged that my God is alive and working in the life of this song writer. If there is no God, it does not matter if he continues in his lies. I believe that God is working in his life. And his life is more important than any reputation. A life that goes back to the heart of God. The most important thing we are created for.

It is not easy admitting his sin and since after his song is such a hit. But God in His greatness and mercy turned this to be a blessing to even more people. Just read the comments in the youtube. People are still blessed by the song. People are encouraged at this man's courage and the work of God in his life. God is STILL a healing God. This is a greater testimony.

Sometimes people say that leaders cannot show weakness. This is not true. Some churches holds on very strongly to this teaching. "Christians are over comers. Especially if you are a leader. You need to show that you are an overcomer by not showing any weakness." But when we show others that we are human too, needing His grace and mercy, walking together with Him, it brings the reality of Christ in our midst. He did come for the broken and the needy. It does not mean that after you have given your life to Him that you are no longer in need of Him. All the more we need to learn to walk with Him through our struggles and trials. As we let others to see the work of God in our weakness, more will be blessed and it gives them hope that we are mere human who cannot be holy in our own strength but we need Him constantly.

Spirituality is more than churchgoing. It is possible to go to church and never develop a spirituality at all. Spirituality is the way in which we express a living faith in a real world. Spirituality is the sum total of the attitudes and actions that define our life of faith.
-- Joan Chittister, OSB Wisdom Distilled From The Daily

Many people do things in the name of God. Some may be genuine but many are just excuses to satisfy their own desires. Why do we do the things we do? I read "Practices without faith is religion." Practices includes reading the bible, pray, going to church, partaking communion etc.

The other day I was at a Japanese restaurant (In Malaysia) and they have the Japanese style seating. A hole in the ground where you put your feet in the hole and you sit on the floor. I always thought that was just a Japanese traditional way of seating until my dad explained to me that it was something very practical. In Japan, because it was so cold, they often have heating in those holes and warm air runs through it. Of course in Malaysia you would not have heating. It is just something that signifies Japan... being a Japanese Restaurant. It seems like a cool thing but many may not know of its original function and purpose. To keep you warm.

Same with the church. Many does "rituals" or practices without even knowing why. And it has become religion. Christianity to many is just another religion. Empty practices. Where is the life? The heartbeat of God? Where God is the Lord? I must say I myself am still seeking for it. Still understanding why we do the things we do. Having to be careful not to be too judgemental.

I guess it has to start with me. I have to walk closely with Him to understand His heartbeat. To observe what He is doing before I judge. I am not saying that the practices are wrong. I do feel that they are very much needed in our journey with God. But why do we do them? Where is that life of God that we do them with? I do not want to just simply be in another religion. Then it is much simpler for me to go to the temple where I do not have to attend every week.

Few weeks ago, someone in my church says that it is a journey towards the heart of God. A people who is so desperate and hungry for Him. Wanting to get so near Him to hear His heartbeat. The practices I guess are our way of expressing our hunger and desire and "tools" used to get to His heart. Everything that we do are for Him and to Him. Not only that but together with Him. We often miss this "Together with Him".