My journey...

As Alzheimer's took over my cousin Moira, she became quite unable to manage herself, and needed constant care and nursing. When you visited her, you might get a smile, a flicker of recognition. At no one stage could you say ‘Goodbye.' It was a slow parting. When she died, she who loved people was quite out of touch with humankind. What was God up to? I wondered.

I used to imagine it was our job to make ourselves holy. Our models were men and women who seemed to have achieved extraordinary levels of asceticism, prayer and generosity towards others. We are often seeking ourselves, our own satisfactions and complacency, even in the most apparently unselfish efforts. God shapes us, not we ourselves. Through life, in ways we would never have planned, God strips us of our ego, prepares us for Godself. For an active person, the hardest penance is to be unable to act. For Jesus at the height of his powers and vigour, the Cross meant being passive, nailed down, speechless, helpless. We could not and would not plan these experiences for ourselves. Jesus begged for the chalice to pass from him.

Who would ask for Alzheimer's as a way to go? But if we believe in God's Providence - and that is not easy - that must be what he was doing to Moira, who had given him a loving and enthusiastic life. The real achievement of that life was not in her creative efforts or sleepless nights at the service of others, but in her recognition of God's hand in the suffering which accompanied her to the grave.