My journey...

How completely satisfying to turn from our limitations to a God who has none.... For Him time does not pass, it remains.... God never hurries. There are no deadlines against which He must work. To know this is to quiet our spirits and relax our nerves. —A. W. Tozer

Found this picture on the web and I like it so much. Shows the life and death. New shoots and old plant. Everything when growing is new and fresh. Full of promises, but after a while, cob weds starts to clutter and branches starts to drop. Things are not as flexible anymore. Does not have to be though. We loose the sense of excitement and hope.

Having worked in the church for 8 years and being "active" in church ministries since I was a teenager, I had my self worth in what I did. A youth leader, children church teacher, worship ministry, being a church staff, I kept myself busy with church. Everything evolves around the church life. That has given me my self worth. I thrive in them. I am more than happy to be involved. That gave me a sense of belonging. A sense of importance.

Lately, a lot has happened in my life and I slowly felt that I am not satisfied being in church. I sense such an uneasiness. An unwillingness to be involved in anything and so the beginning of this year, I quit my "ministries". I quit being a church staff. Not really knowing what I was doing but it has to be done. Thought I was back-slidding. I felt really lost for a while. I did not even feel like going to church. A bit disorientated. I did not know what He was doing. I thank God that He never left me. That He had a plan and a purpose.

I rested for a few months and took interest in what I like doing. Meeting people still. Pursuing my hobby in photography and that has given me satisfaction. In it, I found who I am in God. I begin to find my worth in Him again. Now I realise how important it was to me being a church staff and how it was taking me away from really knowing Him. I can be involved in chruch activities and yet still miss the point. I put my self worth in the wrong places. I guess that was why I felt disoriented cause I have been putting my self worth in what I was doing. Who I have become not who I am. Partly because it was drummed into me that I need to strive to be a leader. Then I will be a successful christian. Success as a Christian is not in the ranks or in the ministry that I am involved in. But subconsciously, I made it so in my life.

Now whether being a leader or not is not important. I am still wanting to be in ministries not because of how it made me feel. Not because it will make me feel secure but because I love the people and I love God. My worth is in Him. And I do things because of who He has made me to be. Doing things which I love like the photography workshop coming up in my church. I know that it will bring Him honor. If it does not work out, I will not feel discouraged about it. Though I will give it my best cause I am doing it for Him.