My journey...

As I was welcoming the year 2008, I could literally feel the pressure going off my back. Perhaps it was also psychological.

I remembered at the beginning of 2007, I prayed "God, let me know you this year like I have never known you before no matter what it takes..... No matter what it takes. And God does not bring us through a journey that is a bed of roses to cause us to know Him. It is often in the hard times. In the times of brokenness, that is when you see His strength. That is when you realised you are only human who need a saviour.

Though 2007 has been somewhat "challenging", I would say it has been a year where I learn to cling to God. Like Henri Nouwen would put it, I learned to "dance" with God. I have heard so many sermons that says "Put your faith in God when you encounter storms. He will bring you over the storm." " when you are in the midst of a storm, God will cause you to be soaring above so that you look at it from a distance and as you see the sea raging, you are soaring like an eagle above." Or there is even this one which says "God will cause you to be below sea level. SO when the storms and winds are above and the waves are high, you cannot feel the impact of the storm for below sea level, everything will appear calm."

When the disciples were crossing the sea and the storm came, they were not above nor were they under. They were just there in the midst of the storm.

If I were to describe my 2007, it was like I have been in the middle of the storm. Amidst the loneliness, confusions, frustrations, disappointments. There seems to be nobody who understood what I was going through. All too quick to give me answers. "It must be that you are not walking right with God. That is why you do not sense His peace". And who says that walking with God, you are somehow shielded from problems? That is why there are so many disillusioned christians out there who runs away from their problems. Somehow disassociate themselves from their problems by lying to themselves.

It is in these times where God is drawing me near Him. I realised that I have no one who understands me except Him. Sometimes He even asked me to do things where no human mind could comprehend and do I stay on the "safe" plain or do I follow? I experienced the peace beyond understanding. I learned to walk with Him. Bringing me constantly to a place of aloneness with Him.

"Mourning means facing what wounds us in the presence of one who can heal us". And it is often when we experience times of brokenness and mourning that we find the giver of life to be so real in our lives.

Victory is not when the storm is over and we find peace and happiness again. The most treasured moments is when you learn to "dance" with Him in the midst of the hard times. That is when we should rejoice (If we can) that we have the privilege to know Him in a deeper way. The cross invites us to see grace in the midst of pain. Mourning and dancing are part of the same movement of grace. To bring us to a place of brokenness so that there will be life in Him. Having wisdom in the inner most part. (psalm 51). The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit. A broken spirit and a contrite heart, He will not despise.

Did I regret going through 2007? I would not say so. The Kingdom of God is priceless and there is a price to pay. Like the parable of the pearl of great price. Once you find something valuable, you would sell all you have to gain it. I would not say that I am out of my storm. I do not know what is installed for me this year. But I know this. I will trust in Him who walks with me. Yet will I praise Him.